Flowla

11:56 pm - what really are friends

You know what Im going to bare al here just a minuate and its really weird i have friends that are like there but not you know what i mean probably not. See they are in my phone but you know what they never call anymore and thats coiol but when they do see you they are like we should hang out but you know what they never return your call i think this is going to be one hell of a summer. And let me tell you that these are females and they piss me off thats why i dont have many female friends. You know who hads to bring this to my attention it was chris and he was really right. How long were thses females my friend for like a good sloid few months. They are kinda only there i mean i was only there for their amusement and now i know that. Thank you VANESSA and DANIELLE for your fucking time you fucking bitches. Well then now that i know how i really feel about this whole pile of shit i used to call friendship and i hope you guys or just you read it. Anyways on with other things like well matthew edward hodges is out of my life for good and i really dont know how i feel about all that shit.  You know what i mean he was my friest for alot you know and hes gone just like that and i was the one to get rid of him, i was the one who said fuck you and good bye. And now i have Dustin who treats me so good and he wont ever leave me and I think that I'm getting used to him always being around you know what I mean? Like i hate it when hes away and when does things with his friend Mike who i fucking hate and i hate the fact that i didnt do a damn thing to make him hate me and it drives me nuts. He calles me baggage and you know what the next time i see him im going to be like fuck you you damn ass and you can go suck a dick you pussy ass bitch you cant say a damn fucking word to my face. And guess who Dustin is hangging out with today or shall i say tonight!? FUCKING MIKE you know what i feel like hes betraying me when he hangs out with him. I dont know why but i do. And also im a little jelouse of NEVI i know that shes just a friend but i feel like she wants him but then again i try to tell myself that its all in my head and the fact that she just works with him but you know what she wants to hang out wqith him outside of work and if i told dustin that some guy wants to hang out with me outside of work he would be like why and all this shit. okay well chris is back and its going to get really fun in a minuate.  

Current Mood: annoyed

05:31 pm - Another Step To Freedom

Well I'm think about getting my own house well sorta seeing how its going to be my mothers house. Yeah I still need to talk to my father about that whole situation. How am I going to talk to my father if never calls me and get this he wont let my mother come up to jax to see me. He wont let her see her own damn daughter that she gave birth to isnt that some shit!!!!! Sometime he can be really cool but other times hes just an ass hole who think that he owns the whole gawd damn world what the fuck man and I mean that on the for real!!!! I want to see my mother even though I really kinda dont like her but shes my mom I still want to see her every now and then you know what I mean?? Like my father wont let her see me because I didnt pass high school. Sometimes I dont even want to finish and just do what ever the hell I want you know what I mean instead of doing the whole haf the shit all over again.To me going back to that same school whould  be a bit imbarrissing to me well at least to me it would be. Any ways aloto of shit has happened. My lopve life has changed for the better at least I think so. I have Dustin who treats me better then any man I have went out with in my whole entire life. I dont think that most people get that like my parents and well alot of my friends. But I dont really care about other people much. If it was like Rachel then I would but if it was like ummm lets just say well another person because I dont want to put any one on the spot right? Man am I tired when I was about to tae a nap lil man called ma and I was like aw man I dont was to get up since you asked I'll do it. But once I got on he said that he had to go and I was like what the hell you tell me to get on to get off what a big diappointment!!!!

Current Mood: tired

09:12 pm

Hello well its been a long time since I actually have done anything with this. So yeah I thought I should write in here. Man do I feel fat I have gained weight since my parents have lefted. Oh yeah I wanted to tell this thing about prom. Well it wasnt that great but I kind of had fun. I went with Dustin as my date and yeah we ate dinner at Morton's Stakehouse. That place was nice and I thank Mike for that.  But I'm not going to say it because I dont like him even if my life depended on it. I know that sounds bad but you know what I dont care at all. Yeah and me and Dustin are going to go back out in the summer and yeah I dont know why we dont just say that we are going out like now and offically. Anyways lke I was saying prom. After dinner we went to the prom and we were lik there for like 45 mins and I thought that was pretty crazy because he spent like $60 on tickets and having to be there for that little time. Thats just woah to me. Then yeah I enjoed myself none the less. Well I think I'm going to go now, buh bye

Current Mood: awake

03:36 pm - All Night Long

Well hello and this has been happening. Well last night I talked to my ex-boyfriend all night long. It was weird I mean I was so damn horny all night long and I think that me and him are friends with benfits. Thats weird I never actually had a friend with benfits. I dont even feel like me and him have broken up at all. Man last night was interesting because we talked till like 7 in the morning which I wasnt tired at all. Mam was I so damn horny all night long and I mean it too. I was like on a point to be all fuck me all hard and shit. I just dont know but it was pretty bad on how horny I was. Like it didnt help that I was on the phone with a guy which made me wasn to do him since he was like there you know. But since I now know that he's always going to be there. I dont know what else to say not much has been going on. This spring break sucked so much it started good then it sucked in the end. Yeah and then dani and nessa said that they were going to call me and then yeah they didnt but I dont think that I will be accepting their calls for a hott minuate if you know what I mean.

Current Mood: horny

07:27 pm - ello ello

Well another day in my hood like the ghetto girl that I am. Well lately people think That I have been talking that way. But you know what fuck that mother fucking cunt licking bitches. Well what a potty mouth that I have. Well they know that I dont mean it at all. Well I found out that kanga doent like matthew and whan I told him that he's like glad to know i broke up with her too. I thought that was interesting. Slapping contest was pretty stupid but for 5000 dollars what wouldnt you do you know what I mean. But if I have to lose teeth then no mam. I love my teeth to saty in my mouth. Also well me and dustin are over but not completely you know what it would be interedting to keep him around as a friend. I'm not shallow am I? I dont think that I am I mean I dated people to make them think that I'm not that way you kow?! Well you know what I dont care what they think. People these days make me want to have a one way slap fest you know? Well that how I fell today Way is my journal that way? Well i think that I'm done.

Current Mood: aggravated

11:32 am - Spring Break

Well there are alot of things that I want to put in here but yeah my boyfriend might read it but I doubt it. Man alot has been happening and its all crazy. Like the frist niht was a blast then the second night was even better. Man but I cant get high anymore. It was about time that I decided to let someone help me quit smoking. I dont need pot to have a good time. Man I sould like Courtney when I say that. My ass has been getting bigger. Okay well the first night I went to this house that I have never went before and I was with my homegirls kanga and danielle which helped me rock out. Then I met this really cool guy named Guy isnt that funny. He was really sweet and cute. Then this other guy named Dan he was metrosexual which was really funny. WE like listened to music the whole night until like four in the morning and then we left for danielle's house and went to bed. I didnt want to leave and neither did danielle and Vanessa she just want to sleep Guy was like you want to come in my room I was like ummm you know me the cough shy girl. then the second night that I thought was fun was me and Chris' gang smoking well they did and drinking all night but it came to a stop when his room mate came home then in the mornig she woke everyone in the house up. then everyone left to like home. But before all that I woke up and my pants were like unbutton and buckled cuz you know my belt. I told my boyfriend and he was like that makes me worry then I told matt and he said I'm going to kill the hertersexual that was there. I was like he was weird. I told matt that I liked his response more the my boyfriends. Matt still l;oves m and I know it but I cant stop my self from likeing him he was like my frist love and I dont know if I still do or dont. Yeah I could go into this whole convo by my self about what I should do with the whole Matthew situation.

Current Mood: rejuvenated

12:19 pm

Well I have been have very frequent talkings with Matthew and I know I shouldnt be talking to him but I cant leave him all in the past like some people would like. I know that my boyfriend doesnt like me talking to him but yeah. Speaking of him he is so open with a whole lot of things and that scraes me because I know I'll probaly never be that open with him. I have never been able to be that open witrh anyone I know now. Well i kinda opened up to this one girl but that was only for help and she really didnt so I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. And yeah I think that this one boy knows that he likes me more then I like him. He has really strong feelings that I cant prevent at all. I wish I could make him understand how I honsetly feel about the whole things but I dont think he'll like it. I never should have gotten into this whole thing. I have gotten into a whole that I cant crawl out of. The like all that hes told me makes me thinik about him alot and what hye's been through and this would be just another thing to make him go over the edge. He trust me so much. Sometime I just dont feel like he does then again I do but I cant do anything about that now.  Dustin thinks that I'm still hung up on Matthew but he doesnt understand that he was like the everything that I used to want but now that he did the things that he did makes me want to like turn away from him. I didnt have to get anyone to make myself feel better but I did and now all I want to do is be happy like I used to be with out any guys trying to put thoughts inside my head. I feel like they all control me like other people used to. This is all I needed to have a few thoughts ecsape my head and not worry about anyone trying to figure me out all on their own but this would help them alot.  

All I want to do is cry on a shoulder. I dont even know why I would cry but thats what I want to do. And there are alot of things that I feel like doing like just fucking for the hell of it. But I know that I do actually fuck Dustin he would say that hes completely fallen for me. But today thats what I want to do but I have to work and I cant do it. Then he leaves for Wisconsin. Where Does Love lead You???!!!! Sometimes I want to be treated naughty. Like a female that needs to be displinced in chaind put on her back throw against a wall that would make me jump and fuck his brains out. Man I need to snap out of it.

Current Mood: hot & bothered

02:49 pm - just talk

Yeah working is an  every day thing now its starting to get on my nerves. I called in or shall I say I got someone to call in for me on friday. It was really nice of him since I dont even like him anymore. Not like I ever did. He makes me mad doing what he did to vanessa. I hate it when people do that to my friends more than anything in the world. Well then I'm talking to umm a friend and I would say it is going rather nicely. Anyways like i was saying I omg Mr.Herr gave me a hicky which I dont approve of at all. It really looks gross on my neck everytime someone does it.Its like eww but i tried to stop him but that didnt work out too much . Yeah omg friday night was really bad the host to the people there. They were getting drunk. Mr.Herr says things that really freak me out like when vanessa and him were like talking bout love it really mad me want to scream shut the fuck up. Also lots of other things but yeah I dont have much to say.

Current Mood: blank

12:40 pm - Finally going to update!!!!

Well I have another boyfriend his name is dustin. Hs is so freaking sweet and nice but how far will that take him. I would like a guy to be AGGRESSIVE sometimes. It makes things interesting. Like when he came over to my house he he had gotten me on my back that had turned me on so freaking much. But he doesnt know half the time. He's too wrapped around how much I push him away. He has all these qualities that I look for but then again there are things that I dont like in his future goals. Like the army, I kind of dont want to get all mixed up in that mess again. Both get lonely and when they are in boot camp you cant talk to one another. Also he talks about moving in and we have been going out for only a month. He likes to think way too much. I just dont know what to do. I have this problem. All I want to do is mess around sometimes to forget shit. But no. I would be making him feel used not that I dont enjoy this relationship. I do. Always and forever. 

what to do??

Current Mood: confused

08:05 pm - Down Hill!!

Since me and Matthew have broken up all I could do is skipp school. So far I only went to school like monday first and second and then like thursday and then first of friday. Isn't that sad!!! Man I reall need to stop I got  like 2 d's and a b&c on my report card. Two damn D's that is sad on my behalf. Dont you agree. Well I cant stop thinking about matt even though I know it's all over and what not. But the fact is every where I go it reminds me of him:
-school
-hooters
-drama club
-bowling
-famous amous
-billards
-any park
-everywhere!!!!

Yeah not a singel place to get him out my head. I have a new boyfriend but I think I'm just not ready but I'm not going to tell him. And whats sad that I think matt was just using me as his little play thing. If you know what I mean. Man I really need to stop talking about him. This one girl was like are you still with that one guy I said ummm no. I told he all the mss then she was like what a loser. I took high offense to that even though we dont even talk anymore. Yeah but I told her that I found someone else then she was like that was fast. Then everyone called me a player and that want to be like me. I thought that was pretty funny. Yeah as the days go by I seem to think less about him I guess thats good. But there would be one problem all the shit he gave me I just want to put it in a box and let it rot. Yeah but I'm just going to let it just sit in a box not let it rot.

The new guy well if you know me then you probably know who it is already but if you dont then its a mystery to you then not that anyone cares about my pathic little life. Woah that is kind of sad when you talk about yourself like that. He's nice and all but I dont know if we would kiss then I would actually know wether or not I actually like him you know that the kiss has to have chemistry. If it doesnt then its going to end very quickly. I told my mom that I was dating him and she was like why what the hell for. I told her if anything be mad a Matt. She never said a bad thing besides that she wonders if he cheated on me but I would rather not know that would hurt 100 times more if you know what I mean. I really think britney saw me at my waekest point when I cried on monday in the hall. Shes so nice I think thats why I at least make an effort to come to scholl for my home girls. Yeah  I have to tell them that they need to make sure that I dont skip school anymore and make sure that my grades come up. That would really help.

Well I think that I'm going to like end this its kinda very long . 

Current Mood: angry

05:27 pm - It was all a waste!!!!!

The whole time I was with him I was waiting for him to do this. Espically when he was away. Like when I was talking to him on the phone it was like are you going to do this or not?? Then he did it and I was like okay now then bye. I walked into the living room and told chris and I started to cry a little bit no wait kind of alot. I tried to call Vanessa to have a female to talk to because I know christopher isn't good at these things. Then I tired to call britney but no answer either I dont know why but I feel like crying right now. I know its over but he's the only guy I actually cried over. Thats basically I didn't wanty to be at school because I already cried befroes school started and when school was about to start.But I'll write more later.

Current Mood: I just want to cry.

09:40 pm

You ever get that feeling like your all alone in this world where no one can understand you at this point. Lately I can't stop from crying. I feel like everyone is leaving me. I could name a couple of people who have left me. Like well Rachel was first then it was Matthew then last my whole family. I don't mind that my family left for the fact that it was a money thing. But Rachel and Matthew it makes me mad!! They will never understand. Rachel left knowing how I felt about the whole thing. She knew I didn't want her to leave. Then having Matthew tell me that he feels like his life isn't going anywhere makes me mad. He left to say he had something to do. Now he says that he hates it. Lately all we have been doing ig arguing and bickering. If this is all it's going to be then I think I might call it quits. I don't know it seems to me that he doesn't trust me when he says things like I am glad I still know people that still go to that school. He doesn't mind if I go to prom, like I asked him if he cared!! I hate it when he gets my hope up like when he said that he'd thing went his way that he would get stationed here at Florida in Mayport. Then like I knew it he wouldn't and whats worse was that he told me that while he was drunk. Then he gives me this crap that he drinks to forget this place San Diego that is. I don't get him almost all the time. I remember when we could talk about everything and anything but don't know when we started to go out things seemed to change. I just want things to be like they used to be like. Well nothing will change if I told him. The only thing that would happen is maybe an argument like what usually would happen.

Have I really changed or is it me or the other people who think stupid? I really think I have changed but I'm not going to give anyone the satisfaction of me saying I have. Like I dont know I used to want to stay single my whole life but now I just want to be a wife and have a child. A half mexican half white baby with like honey brown eyes and have black hair. It would be a cute little girl/boy. Yet I would only like to have her/him when I"m married or have an extremly stable job. I am really changing into a female. I'm out there buying heels and makeup and cute little pink shirts. But yeah i have changed but yeah like I have said I'm not going to tell anyone that I have.

Current Mood: aggravated

11:59 pm - Yeah just a night.

O.M.G. Last night I was talking to Mr.Herr like for two hours. It was really weird, I mean that we can talk for a long ass time. When I was dating him he never would talk to me like that. But yeah some things that he mentions made me mad like when he said that I messed his head all up. I am even going to prom with him, but he said that someone else had asked him. I was woah buddy you already got asked and we got on a conversation about that. I already told Matt that I am going to prom with him. I'm so glad that he trust me. Anyways, yeah I think that he likes me but I'm not going to mention anything. The reason for this is because I don't want another Eric on my hands if you know what I mean.
Yeah well tonight was like okay. It could have been better sometimes I don't know what it would have been like with out them. They make me laugh so much. They kind of light my life up. I will miss everyone when they go off to college. I'm going to be so messed up when it does happen.

Current Mood: content

10:13 pm - Woot Woot you guys rock.

I love my friends they rock my world. There couldn't get any better. I apprecaite what they do for me when I all of a sudden get fucked up and want to piss in a ditch. Thanks Kanga, Minky and Danielle and let's not for get Mikey who like helpped. Oh and that guy you I barely remember. Geff I think.
Well and my BEST UNCLE IN THE WORLD CHRISTOPHER!!!! Speaking of peeing I need to right about now. But I have COMPLETE control of my body.
AGAIN i LOVE MY FRIENDS AND SORRY FOR THE SHIT I PUT YALL THROUGH!!!!!

Current Mood: SORRY

11:38 pm - Tiredness!!!

Well I have to keep up my job and school I now know why people drop out at last minuate which is what I feel like doing but I cant people would be so mad at me. Like vanessa. But you know what I would Not do that I hope that people know that. Well yeah if i had things to talk about i would write more but nothing interseting hasppens to me so nothing will ever been in here unless matthew breaks up with mne but like the whole world would know that.

Current Mood: tired

10:22 pm - I'm going to miss him.

Well I ate out with Matthew and his mother,sister and her husband who we feed full of cow pop. Anyways but we ate at Moe's. I had a homewrecker which is really funny seeing how that would be a thing I would do if I was older and single. It was funny kanga said I was going to be Matts homewrecker when he had a g/f. But he doesnt any more and now we are going out. Like I was saying we went to Moe's. It was a really big meal I would have eaten it all but it popped in the end so I was kind of mad. Then after that we went to Starbucks which was really funny he said your name I was like what?? Then he said it again and I said Fale and then I said what again and started to laugh because I was exremly confused and then Matt said my name for me and I was like oh that what you were saying. We sat there for a few moments making fun of how I am blond at the heart. It was funny because I am blond at the heart. The we went to his house which I thought they were going to drop me off at my house. Yeah instead we went to his house and went to see an old child hood friend named Joel it was a real funny people that he knows. Yeah I love Matt so much but he mustn't know. So we hung out there for a few and then we left to my house since I'm not 18. I can't go to the clubs. Yeah maybe when he comes back I'll be the right age. Yeah when he dropped me off i wanted him to stay but yeah I know that won't happen for a long time. I already miss him so much. It's bad he hasn't left the state yet and I miss this much. I wanted to cry when he let go of me. I just don't like to cry in front of people it makes me feel weak or something I don't know. And now I'm home which is kind of sad knowing that Matts having a good time and I'm here sad about him leaving tomorrow.
Chris came hom he came bearing gifts and it was cool he had gotten me my blindside cds and it almost made me cry thats how happy it made me. Then he gotten me a Betty Page shirt. Now that was cool and a cd player it has a radio player on it. Yeah that was cool of him. Oh something Matt had mentioned was that he was going to try and see me tomorrow but I don't think he will make it before 4 pm don't ask I just don't think he'll make it.

Current Mood: Like Crying

02:42 am - Weird days!!

There has been a lot that's been happening this week that you haven't hear about like all these males at my job who like me. First it was Nanad this basian guy.

Current Mood: Pissed

11:35 pm - Is it real?

Matt and I are a crazy relationship that we have. I just wish it was easy but it's not. I know if it was ment to be it would last but i have this gut feeling that it might not all work out. I really wish that it would work out but yeah know what im still young and I have my whole life in front of me. I really love matt and if I told him that I wanted to go on a break he would probably think that im out going around doing guys here and there. And the reason he would say that is because I have been telling him about all the guys who like me.

Tonight i looked at him and I was thinking is there a real future with me and him. But I knew I couldnt bring that up at his house with his mom in the other room. What I dont understand is how he could stay away and not want to cheat. I have that feeling but I control it even though it's hard as hell man.

You know what about that night it was really hot the way he kind of threw me down on the couch and started to make out with him. Then he well thats a bit x-rated. But one thing that I didnt feel like doing while I was sick is giving him a blow job. I mean wouldnt any female/male feel weird reciving head from a sick person.I know I would.

Christmas is coming real soon. That mean I have to buy last minuate gifts. Man I still dont know what to get a couple people. We only have like two days left man thats not very long. I wonder if my mom and dad coming over here for christmas? Well im so bored im going to think of what i have to get people.

Current Mood: gloomy

12:34 am - I wish it would never end.

Well today I had the whole house to myself and it was pretty boring. So now I'm home and its once again bring as hell. I finally saw matthew my little navy man. Matt H.,Matt S. and I went to this concert and we saw Shadow Agency and Father From. I loved Shadow Agency the rock my world. But I didnt get to see much of Father from but yeah around one of the mosh pits matt had gotten in and this one guy hits Matthew's leg so Matthew pushed him. Then out of now where the pulls out this what do you call them you put it on your hand and you hit people with it, it took like five guys to hold Matthew back. I know this would be wrong to say but Matthew looked hott. Matt S. was like pushing the guys away from Matthew. Onec we left it was like 11:50 and I had to be home by midnight. Well Matt S. was racing like a mo f-ing heifer. Man am I hungry now. I want TAQUITOS!!!! Well peace my dawgs.

Current Mood: hungry

12:34 am - Way To Busy!

Well since I have a job now I kind of have no time to do things like this. But today was fun, how about I went skipping which was mad-crazyness. Mike had invited me to go which I acceppeted. Well i got dunk and smoked clove ciggs and did whatever and ate china food giving a $9 tip.

Current Mood: hot